Medication

WE MIGHT HAVE TO MEDICATE YOU

Resist your temptation to lie

By speaking of separation from God.

Otherwise,

We might have to medicate

You.

In the ocean

A lot goes on beneath your eyes.

Listen,

They have clinics there too

For the insane

Who persist in saying things like:

"I am independent from the

Sea,

God is not always around

Gently

Pressing against

My body."

~Hafiz

One of the subtitles of this blog is "living the cruciform life"--life under the weight of the cross. As I mentioned before: I cannot separate my faith from the bloody Christ hanging on the cross. There are times when I want so much to be an Easter person--He is risen! He is risen indeed!--but when I am truthful, the words of Christ, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" are truer to my experience of the Divine than the near-orgasmic rapture of the Resurrection. Other resonant quotes from scripture that strike the tuning for that lives in my bones? The words of Jacob as he wrestles with the angel, "I am not letting go until you bless me!" and the words of the frightened father, who is begging Jesus to heal is dying child, "Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief."

So I feel like we can rather clearly establish the reason that I have received a call to ordained ministry is not because my faith is so great, or strong, or shiney, but because God knows that if I was not vocationally required to proclaim the Gospel on a daily basis: I would have trouble believing it myself.

This is also why I love the above poem by Hafiz. Reminding me that when I insist that I exist apart from God, I am, quite literally deluding myself--much like a fish, seeking to claim independence from the Sea. I find comfort in the line that God is always around, gently pressing against my body. Surely, words from Scripture bear that image out--I will never leave you or forsake you...I have written you on the palm of my hands...no one will snatch you out of my hand...you are precious, and honored, and I love you...

I could go on.

Today, as you go about your day, stop every so often and make yourself aware of your skin. Do you feel the gentle pressure of God's love surrounding you?

You Still Here?

My webmaster pointed out (several months ago, now) that the whole point of a blog is to, you know...write it. And that if I'm not writing new stuff, people won't keep reading. These were and are completely valid points, and were when he made them back in August.

One of the great puzzles of my life is why I am so impatient when I require so much patience from those around me. I gotta work on that.

Part of the problem with blogging more, I think, is figuring out just what this blog is supposed to be. I have a personal blog. It hasn't been written on in a while, either. But at least I know what that is: my own, personal, emotional vomitorium. This blog? This is connected to the website where I function as an actual pastor. That means anyone with access to the church website (i.e. everyone with an internet connection) can read it and know precisely who wrote it. Which means I can't come here and kvetch about a meeting gone bad, or how so-and-so is making me crazy, or have a single post that consists only of the f-bomb in 72-pt. bolded font. Or rather, I could, if I was interested in committing career suicide. And frankly? I like this place. I like these people. And I love being their pastor. So I'd like to NOT shoot myself in the foot, professionally.

So...what then? Faith from the point of view of a deeply flawed woman who was somehow called to be God's representative in the face of her flawed nature? Faith from the point of view of a member of Generation X? Faith from the point of view of someone who wonders if it's all too good to be true? Or faith from the perspective of a woman who--through that faith--has the ability to look the grinning head of death straight in the eye...and wink?